This is a bottle of lighter fluid. A normal bottle, nothing special, nothing tricky. You spray its contents on some wood or paper or pictures you don’t like, strike a match, and watch the flames with glee. But there’s people out there, many people, who can’t quite grasp the concept.
Enough people that several warnings are clearly displayed as required by law. A veritable brainlesstrust of Do Not Stop on Tracks.
Oafism #1 – Highly Flammable
Lighter fluid. Flammable. If you put a flame to it, it burns. Hotly. Don’t pour it on your flesh to, you know, make sure it works or its the right temperature. You’re not testing it before you give it to the baby to drink.
Which brings us to…
Oafism #2 – Harmful
As in don’t drink it. Don’t pour it in your eyes. Don’t double it as a tasty topping for a sundae. Burn it. That’s what it does, that’s what it’s for. Burn it.
Seems like I’m repeating myself. It must be necessary, though, because…
Oafism #3 – Highly Flammable
In case you didn’t see it before, DANGER. Highly flammable. The substance in this bottle BURNS. It is HOT. It creates FIRE. Is that understood?
And while we’re at it…
Oafism #4 – Harmful if swallowed
Yes, that’s what we meant. Don’t swallow it. Don’t drink it, don’t eat it, don’t dump it on your popcorn instead of butter. Don’t use it as cream for your coffee. Don’t use it as a chaser for shots. Don’t put it in chili, it’s hot, but it’s not sauce. Don’t pour it over cereal, don’t eat it on a chip. It’s not a turkey baste or a marinade for steak. It’s not in any food group whatsoever, and it’s not on Weight Watchers either.
And oh yeah…
Oafism #5 – Harmful if inhaled
…it doesn’t double as poppers either. So if you have a bottle of lighter fluid, for fink’s sake, use it to LIGHT A FIRE.
But don’t get overexcited about it…
Oafism #6 – Do not use near fire or flame
…when it’s lit, it’s lit. Seriously, if the fire… or the flame (there’s a difference, really)… is burning, it doesn’t need lighter fluid. It just doesn’t. The fluid’s done it’s job, don’t waste it. Bad things could happen. You could burn your eyebrows off.
And one more thing…
Oafism #7 – Keep out of reach of children
Because face it, kids aren’t bright. They’re dumbasses. You know they are, we need to protect them, hell, we need to lock them all in cages till they turn 21. Lighter fluid is the bane of a child’s existence, it’s probably like the leading killer of kids or something. Forget abuse and guns and car wrecks and drugs, just for the love of Grroeb keep them away from the lighter fluid.
I mean if adults need all these warning, imagine what their kids could do.
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