Stand Clear

Ever seen a wheelchair get into a van. It works like this…

There’s a lift…

Lift Closed

And it opens…

And then it lowers down to the ground, the chair drives on, it goes back up, the chair goes in.  And the lift folds back up.

Fairly simple, right?  Right.  But there’s a hidden danger you may not see.  It’s tricky.  It’s subtle.  It’s easy to be hurt by.

When the lift is unfolding, it’s very important that you STAND CLEAR.

See if it unfolds, and you’re standing in front of it, the thing will whomp you on the head.  Get it?  It unfolds.  It comes down.  It’ll whomp you right on the noggin.

Good to know for future reference, but don’t worry if you forget, most of the lifts have a convenient warning label.  Right on the underside of the lift itself.  Picture of the grating.  Dude standing in front of it.  Big old red circle with a slash through it.

Once again, lives are saved.

Liquid Flame

Liquid FlameThis is a bottle of lighter fluid. A normal bottle, nothing special, nothing tricky. You spray its contents on some wood or paper or pictures you don’t like, strike a match, and watch the flames with glee. But there’s people out there, many people, who can’t quite grasp the concept.

Enough people that several warnings are clearly displayed as required by law. A veritable brainlesstrust of Do Not Stop on Tracks.

Oafism #1 – Highly Flammable

Lighter fluid. Flammable. If you put a flame to it, it burns. Hotly. Don’t pour it on your flesh to, you know, make sure it works or its the right temperature. You’re not testing it before you give it to the baby to drink.

Which brings us to…

Oafism #2 – Harmful

As in don’t drink it. Don’t pour it in your eyes. Don’t double it as a tasty topping for a sundae. Burn it. That’s what it does, that’s what it’s for. Burn it.

Seems like I’m repeating myself. It must be necessary, though, because…

Oafism #3 – Highly Flammable

In case you didn’t see it before, DANGER. Highly flammable. The substance in this bottle BURNS. It is HOT. It creates FIRE. Is that understood?

And while we’re at it…

Oafism #4 – Harmful if swallowed

Yes, that’s what we meant. Don’t swallow it. Don’t drink it, don’t eat it, don’t dump it on your popcorn instead of butter. Don’t use it as cream for your coffee. Don’t use it as a chaser for shots. Don’t put it in chili, it’s hot, but it’s not sauce. Don’t pour it over cereal, don’t eat it on a chip. It’s not a turkey baste or a marinade for steak. It’s not in any food group whatsoever, and it’s not on Weight Watchers either.

And oh yeah…

Oafism #5 – Harmful if inhaled

…it doesn’t double as poppers either. So if you have a bottle of lighter fluid, for fink’s sake, use it to LIGHT A FIRE.

But don’t get overexcited about it…

Oafism #6 – Do not use near fire or flame

…when it’s lit, it’s lit. Seriously, if the fire… or the flame (there’s a difference, really)… is burning, it doesn’t need lighter fluid. It just doesn’t. The fluid’s done it’s job, don’t waste it. Bad things could happen. You could burn your eyebrows off.

And one more thing…

Oafism #7 – Keep out of reach of children

Because face it, kids aren’t bright. They’re dumbasses. You know they are, we need to protect them, hell, we need to lock them all in cages till they turn 21. Lighter fluid is the bane of a child’s existence, it’s probably like the leading killer of kids or something. Forget abuse and guns and car wrecks and drugs, just for the love of Grroeb keep them away from the lighter fluid.

I mean if adults need all these warning, imagine what their kids could do.

Railroad tracks…

I was on my way home from the movies one day and had to stop at a railroad crossing. A train was coming, the bars were down, you all know how it is. You get to sit there for an interminable amount of time while car after car flies by at speeds that will dizzy you if you try too hard to watch.

So I was sitting there, waiting, trying not to watch the cars, and I happened to glance up. There, above the tracks, a sign was hanging. Do Not Stop on Tracks. Hmm…

Now, obviously no sane person would purposely stop their car on a railroad track. And if they had for some reason I can’t possibly imagine, they would choose to move the vehicle should a locomotive be barreling toward them. But the problem is, someone, somewhere, created the need for this sign. More than once. Enough times for the powers that be to consider it dangerous enough to warn people.

That bothers me. So I thought I’d exploit it for my own entertainment.

I have made it my mission in life, one of the many missions in my life, to seek out other Do Not Stop on Tracks warnings. Warnings that have no business being warned, warnings that would not exist if it weren’t for the impossibly stupid people who create the need for them. This is the section for the publication of those warnings, so we all can see just how stupid people can be.